Emotions/Feelings

I found a few pictures that pretty much explains the emotions/feelings I've been going through

I put them in this order because its how my emotion/feelings have progressed to. Its hard to be happy when I've decided to let the one I love go to love someone else. It's one of those sacrifices of the heart where no matter how happy you are for them, your heart breaks every time you see them.

Single Motherhood

My wonderful friend Sam Chapman did maternity photos of me the other day. I want to share one of the photos and the statement she put underneath it. It was so powerful and uplifting. I really need to hear what she said.

Sara,

I wanted this photo to feel a little lonely because pregnancy and single motherhood can BE lonely and feel dim and hopeless...but you are strong and you are lucky to have a good support system of family and friends to help lighten your emotional burden. I had you face away from me to symbolize you looking away from the life you had, and looking toward your new life purpose. You have one foot turned in the right direction to show that you are choosing to move forward to that new life you have chosen. I believe that we choose our purpose, our destiny, and our path...the key is just to live. Savor each beautiful moment and quickly move on from the painful one. I hope you like your photos...you really are adorable pregnant. ;0)

Sam

Family

Tonight my brother leaves to go back to California. It was so nice to have him home for Christmas. So today, my Aunt Pam took family photos of us so we could have updated ones. I've put my favorites below.

Handmade gifts

Now that presents have been open, I can post what I made as gifts.

This is a scarf I made for Rachel from a t-shirt. It came out a bit short but it was still cute.

A braided bracelet made from a t-shirt for my cousin's. They all got the same color so that way they don't fight.

Last but not least, I made this tile quote for my Mom.

I had quite some fun making these for gifts. And those who received them, loved them.

Merry Christmas

As kind of a family tradition, I joined my cousins tonight to go see the lights at Temple Square. I have always made it a priority to go see the lights around Christmas time and I thought I wasn't going to make this year. Thankfully, I made it. Thank you Uncle Lemar, Aunt Pam, Jess, Megan, and Trystan.

Christmas came early this year because not only do we have early church (9am) but Uncle Lemar, Mom, and I have to be there EXTRA early (7:55am) for one last choir practice. We started opening presents a little after 10pm and finished like right at midnight. Our evening was full of laughter and tears. Before opening, we read Luke Chapter 2 to help remind us of the meaning of Christmas. Then...onto the chaos known as presents. Here is the list of what I received:
From Jess:
Cute black onesie w/ skull & crossbones on it, tutu, and headband. (She knows me well. Thanks cuz! And she was so excited about her present that she made me open it very first.)

From my Aunt & Uncle:
Black fleece pjs w/ polka dots
Love Spell body spray

From Rachel:
New earbuds (Pink)

From Aaron:
Cute blue onesie w/ a snowman that says "Snuggle"

From Staci:
Lotion set from Bath & Body Works

From Alicia:
Foot Scrub kit from Bath & Body Works
Hat and Onesie that has Cailin embroidered in it (made me cry!)

AND
From Mom:
Seasons 1, 3, 4, & 5 of Criminal Minds (got Season 2 at 2009 Christmas)
Books "Make Way For Ducklings" (one of my favorite childhood books) & "Harold and the Purple Crayon"
and cookware...to help me get my own place or in her words "Time to move out already" present. Haha mom

THEN
From myself:
Magic Bullet Baby Bullet!

If I forgot to say Thank You when I opened your gift, THANK YOU! I hope everyone liked what I got them. I know Rachel was a bit confused with hers. I made her a scarf from a t-shirt.

Me surrounded by all my presents. I couldn't get out.

So much blackmail/inside jokes were created tonight. But most importantly, memories with family. I can't thank my family enough for opening their home to my mom, Rachel, Aaron, and I in our time of need.

Now I have one more gift to wait for...Cailin Shannon. I'm surprised that I didn't induce myself into labor with all the laughter tonight. And I'd blame my uncle and my brother for that, acting like gay men. Actually, I almost died from laughter. Poor Cailin probably didn't understand what was going on.

34 weeks

34 week belly

Yesterday marked my 34 week milestone. I also had a doctors appointment. Here is what my doctor said:

• Starting now, if I starting having contractions she won't stop them. Just let them ride and if I go into true labor, I go into labor.
• My GBS test came back positive so once my water breaks I have to go immediately to Labor & Delivery and get on Antibiotics.
• Once I hit 37 weeks, she could come any day and I go see my doctor every week.
• Cailin is still in the head down position, which is right where we want her to be.
• When my doctor felt my belly and Cailin, she said that I have nice sized baby and no doubt that she will be average size (7lbs 5ozs) if not bigger. 

Only 6 weeks left till my due date! Where did time go?

Strength...

I feel like I've gained a lot but at the same time I feel like I'm crumbling apart at the seams. I did something that I thought I would never do and feeling very overwhelmed. Fighting internally with my old self to not take back what I did because it would bring so much hurt and pain to everyone involved. I still have TONS of fears about my decision but I need to trust myself. I love those involved so much! So much I don't think that they will ever understand. I'm making a huge sacrifice so those people can have a chance at being happy.

24 Hours

In the past 24 hours, I've had I guess what you would call an awakening. I feel like a new woman. I was in a situation that normally would just make me crumble under. And it almost did. But I'm blessed to have a great friend in Alicia Palmer. In our conversation last night she said something, I don't know what, that torn down what ever was holding me back. Right after, I did and said things I've always wanted to do. I feel stronger than ever, more confident in myself, more open with others, and overall not scare of myself.

I still have a rough 1.5/2 months ahead of me. But not only is these upcoming months but 18 years or so, is going to be the greatest adventure I'm going to partake in. And I'm glad to the the people in my life that will be on the adventure with me. And hopefully those people know who they are.

Early Christmas

Yesterday was a very happy day!! My bestest friend/sister Alicia Palmer, who is in the National Guard and has been in Iraq, came home yesterday! ABC 4 News had a camera crew there and they captured her arrival. I arrived just a few minutes late and missed the filming. But I was at the airport to welcome her home. I'm included a link to the video of the homecomings.
http://www.abc4.com/mediacenter/local.aspx?videoid=3090100
It's real easy to pick her out. She's the only female solider they show. I'm so proud of her and the everything she has done for our country. But I'm glad to have her home safe and sound.

Crafty Christmas

So I'm finally being able to satisfy my "nesting" urges and getting crafty. And I was so excited when I picked up the supplies, planning out how I was going to document my progress, then post my results on here. But then I remembered, these are Christmas gifts! I can't post what I'm doing for Christmas gifts! Then those people will see what they are getting! Almost pulled a pregnancy brain fart. Haha. I've already started on one and almost done so I can't really document them so even post after Christmas. But for the remainders, I will document what I progress. Then AFTER Christmas I will make a DIY Craft post.

P.S. I'm already starting to get a little jealous of the gift I'm working on right now. I might have to make one for myself.

Ultrasounds

So I just got home from my doctor's appointment and according to my mom, who has been doing her externship with my doctor's office, said I should have an ultrasound this time because I'm 30 weeks and that when my doctor would do the next one.
All excited to see how big my baby has grown, we get put in the regular exam room. I kept telling myself "They'll move me. They'll move me." Then my doctor, Dr. Sara Wood, came in and checked Cailin's heartbeat and measured my belly. When she asked if I had any questions I asked when the next ultrasound would be.
Here is her answer "I don't have you scheduled for an ultrasound unless there is a medical reason that I would need to check. So if you weren't growing at the rate to match how far along you are, or your high risk, there isn't a need for one." My outside appearance was calm and collect but my inside appearance was screaming, yelling, pulling my hair out. My last ultrasound was Sept. 9th! I've already gone crazy without an ultrasound and now I'll officially be going crazy!!!!
Who has an ultrasound machine just laying around that I can use to see Cailin?

Nesting

I feeling the nesting feelings BAD! I want to clean and go through things and get rid of things and I'm in crafty moods. Wow! HELP!!!
I really want to start working on the scrapbook for Cailin but I need photos. But to print off photos, I need money (which I don't have right now). I want to knit a cute little hat for her. I wish I could start putting together a nursery for her. Hopefully soon I can do that. I have such cute ideas.
As far as cleaning....oh boy. I won't even start that one. I just want to clean and declutter.

To Give Thanks

So we didn't get a chance to say what we were thankful for at dinner and so I wanted to share what I'm thankful for here.

First I'm thankful for my family. They have been there for me through thick and thin. We've all had our trials and struggles but we always have had each other's backs. So thank you Mom, Rachel, and Aaron for being my family and loving me.

Second I'm thankful for these two crazy girls right here! Alicia and Staci have helped me through some real rough days the past couple of months. I'm so thankful to not only having these girls in my life, but to have the honor of calling them my Best Friends. THANKS GUYS!!! I love you!!

Third I'm thankful for the beautiful spirit who has chosen me to be her mother. She is a blessing not only to me but to everyone who will be in her life. I have grown and learned so much through my pregnancy and will continue to grow and learn. 

Fourth and Final TWIN!!! This girl has been in my life for most of my life! She's my twin, my sister, my reality check, my best of Best Friends! She has been there for me more than she thinks she has. Thank you for supporting me in all my crazy life adventures but knowing when to kick me in the butt for being stupid haha.

Adventures

I had quite the adventure today. So yesterday I was going to take the glucose test but when I'm just down the street from my doctor's office, I threw up the drink. So this morning I drank the nasty orange beverage on my way to the doctors. I was able to complete the glucose test. BUT as I was walking out of the clinic, I trip on a rise in the sidewalk and fly on the ground. Banged up my left hand and knee and fell on the left side of my belly. So back inside I go to get bandaged up. As my mom, who has been completing her MA externship at my OB's office, is cleaning and wrapping my wounds, another MA is calling my doctor to see what she wanted me to do. My orders where to go straight up to McKay Dee Hospital's Labor & Delivery to be monitored since I did fall on my belly.

I arrive around 10am and they hook me up to the monitors right away. I started in Triage but they transferred me into a room after 10 minutes. Had to wait an hour to drink water and I had already gone an hour without. So I was parched. I told my nurse to bring 3 cups of water and my AWESOME nurse did just that. I needed those 3 cups. My doctor came in about 11:30 to check on me. She said that Cailin was looking good on the monitors and she "examined" me. Everything was still good and where I should be for 29 weeks. She said I could eat around 1-1:30 pm if there weren't any changes and then if things are still good I could go home at 3pm. And that's exactly how the rest of my day went. Cailin, of course, did not like being on the monitors. She was continuously kicking/punching them and moving away so we couldn't pick up her heartbeat. But my nurse was so on top of everything. She was right in to move the monitor as soon as Cailin moved away. A few time Cailin tired to kick/punch my nurse. She thought it was cute.

With how accident prone I am, this is the first time since being pregnant that I've taken a fall. Normally I'm tripping over something at least once a week. But not only am I glad that I haven't been my normal accident prone self, everything was fine. No harm, no foul. I am definitely counting my blessings tonight.

My plans for tomorrow? STAY INSIDE!! Till my Mommy/Daughter Date with my mom to the Midnight Release of Breaking Dawn. She told me today "You ARE Bella Swan." I told her to zip her lips and never say that again. LOL

Week #29

I'm officially in my 29th week of pregnancy. That means 11 weeks to go!!! Wow how time flies! But there is still many things to do on my list:

• Find a doctor for Cailin
• Fill out the first couple of pages of her Memory Book
• Start on my scrapbook for Cailin
• Survive Thanksgiving and Christmas
• BABY SHOWERS!!!
• Get all needed items not received at the Showers
• Pack hospital bag
• Sit and wait for her arrival

Okay so the list itself may not see like a lot, but a lot goes into each thing to do. I've got my work cut out for me. But in the end, the reward will be amazing. Seeing my little girl in my arms, looking back at me knowing that I'm her Mom. Wow...I'm going to be a Mom! It still seems surreal to me that in a few years, I'll be hearing the sweet voice of a child calling me Mommy. There is a overwhelming joy that comes to me and I have spring to my step, a sparkle in my eye, and a smile for no reason.

Wish List

So I finished my registry at Walmart today. But the scanner crapped out on me apparently and I didn't know. So most of the outfits didn't get scanned. So I did my best to find them online. For the items I couldn't find, I'll go back another day and rescan them.

Here are the links to my registries at Target and Walmart:
http://www.target.com/baby/registry/LtcUk1OEJLRCeUQ6bms2zw
http://www.walmart.com/giftregistry/gr_detail.do?registryId=16993091001

Memories...

I don't know if it the weather or what, but today I'm having a depressed day. I didn't want to get out of bed and do the things I had planned on doing. I also feel very lonely.


I miss a very important person in my life. This person was always there for me and I could run to and just cry and she won't ask why. She would just let me cry. She was always in my corner, cheering me on. I miss her support. She has been such an influence in my life. This person is my Grandma Luke, who passed away Feb. 28, 2007.

This is an old picture of my Grandma and I (and my brother) back when the theater at the Jr. High she taught at was being renovated and named after her. I can't remember how old I was but I think its when I was in 8th-9th grade. The last time I was inside her theater, I was singing at her funeral service. 


I've really missed her being round the past little bit. I keep reflecting on conversations I would have her about my future and where she saw me. We would joke about how she would be at my wedding and birth of my children. Little did we know that she would suffer from a stroke, then 2 weeks later pass away. And just a few months from my High School graduation. 


But I know that she is the Angel on my shoulder, the breeze in the trees, and that Still Small Voice cheering me on. Sometimes I think that she's the one behind all the trails in my life. Its her way of telling me that I can make it through and you'll only become stronger through them. And I'm sure that she is my #1 Supporter in my corner with my pregnancy.  Just wish she was here to share it with. 

27 Weeks

That means 3 more months left of my pregnancy. My lady friends were right about how pregnancy seems to fly by. It seems like yesterday I was only 8 weeks pregnant and getting my first ultrasound. 


I'm now experiencing Braxton Hick's and they are very uncomfortable. Especially when Cailin is moving at the the same time. Now that is a discomfort. But all the joys of creating life.


Cailin is more of a wiggle worm now. She loves to practice her punch and kicks. And its either her butt or head that she likes to poke out. Its quite entertaining to watch my belly move with her movements. It brings joy to my day and one of the small things in life that some people take for granted. Her movements are getting stronger and stronger everyday. Soon I'll post a video, that is if I can catch her in time. Haha

The Titsy Bitsy Spider...

Well more like Big Butt Spider

Crawled up my wall.

But "splat" when the swatter

and put that spider out.

I don't feel sorry

because near my bed.

And that's the end

of the spider's life.

R.I.P. Spider

Never Ending Search

So I'm out on the hunt for a job. Everyday I'm applying to at least 3 places. I strive for more but running out of places. 
If any of my readers hear of a position, PLEASE!!! let me know so I can apply right away. Finding a job is a huge priority for me at the moment. 
Thanks everyone! XOXO

Week 3 of Childbirth Prep class

So today, it was a lot of videos. And they were all births. Then the RN showed us everything used in the epidural. Now I know that I'll be wanting the epidural but after seeing everything, I'm going to hold off as much as I can before getting it. Putting on my big girl pants! Haha just watch, after the first intense contraction I'll be screaming for the epidural. I'm so glad that McKay-Dee doesn't have a timeframe in which to get the epidural. They will give you the epi when ever you feel like you need it. I love this hospital more and more.

IT'S ALIVE!!

So Cailin has definately been moving around alot the past two days. And when I just lay still and watch my belly, you can see it when she punches and kicks. One day I'll film it when I get further along and the movements are more visable. But everytime I see it...this is what I think.

Week 2 of Childbirth Prep Class

Week 2 or 4 is done with. And despite what some people say about these kinds of classes, I'm really glad I'm taking one. Its helping me feel more prepared and not as scared about Labor and Delivery. Plus tonight we got the tour of McKay Dee Hospitals Labor and Delivery. The facilities are way nice and calming. I feel comfortable with them. Of course I'm not excited about the pain my body will be going through. EPIDURAL ALL THE WAY!!! 


So Joe and I have decided on a name for the little one. There were many names that were brought up. And we finally came to an agreement. Her name is Cailin Shannon.

I'm now the lovely age of 22! Double deuces as my father would say.
This was the smallest birthday I've had. And I enjoyed it. Which is not like me, I normally love parties.
And I got exactly what I wanted...A BABY GIRL!!!

Long Story Short...

...between last post and now, lots of drama and new adventures!
June 8, 2011 is when I found out that I am pregnant. That was a very emotional day for me. Full of fear and self hatred and hurt. I didn't know what I was going to do. I felt lost and alone. But I'm lucky to have a loving and caring mother who has been there for me and is still here. And I have the most supportive friends. You know who you are. Thank you!


August 27, 2011 Mom and I moved in with my Uncle Lemar, my mom's older brother, and his family. And then the house closed on August 22nd. Things were tough for Mom with this move. But we are lucky to have family that love us and took us under their roof when we really didn't have anywhere to go.


In exactly one week from today I have my Dates & Anatomy Appointment and I get to find out the gender of the baby!!! I'm so excited. Then 2 weeks from today is my 22nd birthday!! Woot woot!!


So I'll try to stay more updated.

A New Month

So much as happened since my last blog. Chris and I broke up for the 3rd time. And this time, 3 strikes and he's out. I'm no longer waiting for someone who isn't willing to have someone wait for them. So I've moved on and could never be happier.


About 2 weeks after the break up, I met the guy I'm currently dating. His name is Joe Luck. He's 27, ex Army Ranger(couldn't get out of the military circle apparently), grew up in the same neighborhood, both went to the same Jr. High and High School, and tall! Haha. He makes me very happy and he is 100% gentleman. I'll post a picture of him soon. I promise! :)

A New Year...

Is it possible to have partied too hard?

Cause I think I did.

2 bitch beers, 1 Corona Extra, and lots of shots.

I was hammered before 9pm.

That's crazy talk.

But on bright side,

I talked to Chris....3x's!

If you were there, you would have seen

a girl with a huge smile on her face

and very, very happy.

I want to run to Astoria right now!

Last year went by WAY too fast.

Its all a blur to me. So....

please 2011 go by slower than 2010.

Only go by fast in times when Chris is underway,

and I can't talk to him till he gets back.

Other than that, go by slowly!